Let’s Talk Toilets

Yep, that’s right – toilets.

We all have them. At least one. At least, God, I hope you do.

Those porcelain work horses of the home. Pee’d on, poop’ed in, splattered on, thrown up in, pushed, flushed, flipped, dropped, clogged, plunged… a thankless job. One that if not offered up daily in our households, in our modern world, we’d be pretty miserable people. … we think losing heat in a snowstorm, or WIFI in a power outage is a drag… fuck that – I’ll take those – both at the same time – over black water any day.

To we designers – you know us, the ones with our nose’s held aloft in the sky [ not because we’re looking to avoid the specific odors coming off the white surfaces, but because we’re trying to avert our gaze away from the splish splash depths of changing water color ] – we obsess about the toilet as much as we work diligently to avoid talking about it.

The magnificient porcelain God is a topic that happens AT LEAST ONCE EACH AND EVERY DAY IN MY WORK LIFE. And that’s a slow day when there are too many other things to talk about, review and design.

Yes, technology has certainly come a long way.

Our toilets light up now. They glow blue, red and candlelight. Some even come with a strobe option… why? WTF. Seats are heated. Self closings are de rigeur. I have to say that a toilet / sink combo I learned about from Japan actually IS the most brilliant thing I think I’ve seen in toilet technology. The water you use to wash your hands – before and after doing your bizness [ and I’m just assuming you do in fact wash your hands! ] – is cycled down into the tank of the toilet and then used to flush away your creations. That is brilliant. Saving the planet one wash and flush at a time!

Someday – and I pray to God its before I die – these Puritanical United States will finally embrace a good jet stream of water up the wazoo and finally get on the bidet train. A brilliant invention from some of the dirtiest, albeit clean obsessed folks in Europe – vive la France! I mean seriously, AFTER you poop, why on earth wouldn’t you want a good, drive through car wash style, cleansing of any of the botanical matter left behind?? Just pucker up and hold tight and ‘ voila! ‘ as the French say. A shiny rose blush kiss – Come on!

Ok. Back to the job I have to do.

We dress ‘em up. Line them with lipstick. Color coordinate their intimate parts. Elevate them with the right heel. Give them the right back light. Make these work horses in their stables – shine! And sing! Ater all, you can’t have all this soft closing, heated seat, light strobing awareness without a show!

Yet – YET – no matter what I do to celebrate the surrounds of these bad boys [ and girls ] , the fact remains, no one really wants to see them. And this leads me to my next biggest issue… ARCHITECTS AND BUILDERS LISTEN UP!!!! I’m sick and tired of having to solve the problems you create with your seats left up!

Why don’t you just put a sandbox in the middle of the great room and we can invite all the cats in to take a poop.

DO NOT PUT A TOILET IN A SPACE WHERE I CAN SEE THE LID UP.

Seriously… wtf?!?! And you know who you are!

I don’t want to see a toilet from the breakfast nook when I’m eating breakfast.

I don’t want to see a toilet from the cushy comfort of a sectional sofa when I’m watching a movie with my kid.

I don’t want to see a toilet from the horizontal repose of my bed pillows.

I don’t want to see a toilet from the luminescence of my laptop at my office desk.

And mostly I’m referring to sight lines here, but we all know that toilets come partnered with a very definite other sensory sensation – SMELL. Come on – knock it off. No box of matches, or bargain family pack of Febreze can ever make it better. YOUR SHIT STINKS. Period.

So look – put the toilet in its own quiet, clean, reserved, off the visual path, space… a place where bowels can move freely, urinary tracts can whistle while they work, esophageal pathways can violently expel poisoned foods… a place where visitors can fart in peace, and leave their stank behind in a contained volume of architectural void.

Again, you perps know who you are out there! I don’t care if they light up at night, warm up to keep my buns toasty, hose out my butt hold… or even do my taxes! Start listenging to your interior designers – we don’t want to see [ or smell ] your toilets!

THANK YOU.

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